How to Improve your Relationship with your Inner Critic
Issue No. 9 of the Knowing Road
Happy Saturday! The last few weeks have been challenging with many plates spinning around me but I afforded myself the needed compassion to step away from my writing when called. Thank you for your understanding. Just got my second vaccination shot and the world presents itself anew again with possibility. Hope everyone is well and thank you again for your continued support. Our Instagram account is impressively growing and I am happy it is contributing positive energy to the world. Be well and safe - - Stephen
WEEKLY ESSAY:
Photo by Ramiro Martinez on Unsplash
These past few weeks my inner critic has been having a field day. “Why are you not writing, do you have nothing valuable to say?” “You lost your ____________ [fill in the blank] again, why are you always losing things?” “Why aren’t you more like ____________ [fill in the blank]?” “Are you sure you are doing the right thing?” “What are people going to think of you?” Do any of these sound familiar to you? It is a constant stream of critical thoughts as if there is someone with you all the time, and the fact is that there is, and it’s called your mind.
Recently, I was on a long drive in my car listening to Eckhart Tolle’s well known “Power of Now” and was reminded of the negative influence our mind’s can have over us:
“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.”
Taking that piece of wisdom to my own life’s situation, I can objectively sit back and confidently say that other than physical pain and suffering, the occurrence of any undesired life event, however, big or small, is not the root of my unhappiness but rather its my response or meaning that I attach to it.
Not writing is not the source of unhappiness for me, but rather its my own inner critic’s reasons why I am not writing that produces the unhappiness.
Misplacing items in my life is the not course of unhappiness for me but rather its my inner critic’s words reflecting the lack of my personal responsibility.
Other people’s lives and how they appear “better” than mine is not the source of unhappiness for me, but rather it’s my inner critic’s false suggestions that such differential is evidence of a lacking in my own life.
We could go on and on with such examples.
Your ego, as manifested from your mind, needs to be right all of the time. Its continued existence and survival depends on it. Engaging in an inner dialogue with your ego as to why its wrong is an intellectual exercise in futility. Trying to convince the king as he sits on his throne that he is not the king will only lead to frustration.
So how do we quiet our inner critic and hence our ego based suffering? Putting our hands over our ears to deny such voices simply doesn’t work. For me, mindfulness meditation is one practice that has had a profound impact on my life and my thoughts in response to my life’s situation at any given moment. For me, as taught by respected teachers such as Tara Brach or Jack Kornfield, mindfulness consists of two essential parts.
The first part is an actual awareness of your inner world around you. This may be your bodily sensations such as a tightness in your upper back, or the temperature that makes itself known on the surface area of your skin. It may be the sounds of the bird singing its morning song right outside your window, or even the sounds of your air conditioning coming through your vents. It is remarkable what sounds you start to notice if you just become still and listen. The silence is really not actual silence around you but the sounds of life abound however subtle.
But as you settle into your senses and begin to focus on your breath, and the rise and fall of your chest or belly with each in and out breath, the mind simply cannot just sit back and allow such peace to continue without interjecting and without invitation. The mind is constant, and often people who become frustrated with meditation come to sit with the expectation that their mind is suppose to stop. As if it can be put into a corner of your room and rightfully told to sit there and be quiet. Unfortunately, our minds don’t work that way. Its song must be heard.
At first it may be a work task that is waiting for you on your computer telling you to hurry along. Maybe it’s the thought of doubt or uncertainty as to some event to occur in the future. Often it can include revisiting a memory from the past and ruminating on it. Whether it’s the past or future, when the mind is involved, that space in between which we call the “now” or the “present” is territory that the mind is not comfortable with. For in the “now,” there is no right or wrong. In the “present,” there is no judgment, it is just what it is. That is the sacred place of surrender, the place of acceptance, the place of ease, and the place of timelessness.
But with such mind created thoughts of the past, the future and judgment swirling around, how does one get to that place of now? Well that would include the second part of mindfulness, which I believe is the key, and that is with “loving kindness.”
Loving kindness is the quality to treat your thoughts as a loving and gentle observer. To not chastise yourself for such thoughts. To be kind to yourself without judgment. When engaged with a loving and neutral sense self, the inner critic loses its hold on you, and allows you to return back to your center… your now.
The highly respected and known meditation teacher Tara Brach describes the power of “loving kindness” as follows:
“The most powerful healing arises from the simple intention to love the life within you, unconditionally, with as much tenderness and presence as possible.”
I love the thought of showing “tenderness” to ourselves. Imagine being more gentle with our inner world. When you begin to do that your relationship with your inner critic is improved dramatically. Your sense of personal freedom from the stories or patterns of the past, and worries of the future is truly amplified.
In the end, quieting the inner critic may not be an achievable goal but we can certainly improve our relationship with it. So sit quietly, focus on your breath and become more aware of your outer and inner life. As you begin to observe your critical thoughts bubbling up, treat them with loving kindness as if you were gently holding a precious baby bird in your hands. Sit and smile as it slowly fades and enjoy your new found steps to practice on the Knowing Road. Be well.
Thoughts: How would you describe your relationship with your Inner Critic? When does it arise? How do you react? How has it affected your life?
QUICK HITS:
Doing Nothing Bolsters Your Creativity. In our crazy “always connected” and “productivity morning routine” world, we often de-value our time to “do nothing.” It turns out that “doing nothing” and just having quiet time can bolster our creativity which is something we all need to recapture. Read about it here.
Psychedelics and PTSD Study Shows Promising Results. MAPS, the well known non-profit association for psychedelic research, announced significant positive results from its Phase 3 clinical trial in treating those who suffer from PTSD with MDMA (aka commonly known as ecstasy or molly) assisted therapy. For more information, visit the MAPS recent press release here.
Sleep’s Sweet Spot. More and more people are realizing how essential sleeping and the quality of sleep is to our overall health, but researchers presenting at the American College of Cardiology's 70th Annual Scientific Session found that there may be a sweet spot for the amount of hours to reduce cardiovascular risk. To find out that sweet spot (hint it’s not 8 hours), a summary of the study can be found here.
WEEKLY RECOMMENDATION:
Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art is the best selling book that was published last year by James Nestor and it is this week’s recommendation. In his book, the author takes us through his own personal journey in discovering the power of our breath to improve our physical, mental and emotional lives. In doing so, it becomes a wonderful reference for the various practices from the Wim Hof method of rapid breathing to the detriments of mouth breathing has on our overall health. I even tried to tape my mouth shut a few nights to see if it improved my sleep…lol. I have found it interesting and enjoyable trying out the various methods to experience and test them out myself, and you may find it interesting as well. It certainly has been fascinating.
Until the next issue, be happy and well. All feedback, comments, and suggestions are always welcomed and encouraged.
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