5 Strategies for Dealing with Hurtful Relationships
Issue No. 16 of the Knowing Road
The heat has been non-stop and relentless this past month, but I hope that everyone who is affected has been staying as cool as possible. For me, its staying inside for the afternoons as the heat index has regularly risen above 100 degrees, but looking forward to cooler temperatures in the Fall. Hope you enjoy this recent issue of the Knowing Road as I dive into the uncomfortable topic of relationship hurt. It is a difficult area to experience and address but it is something that we can go through with those we love and care about. Wishing you cool breezes and sunny days. As an experiment, I am including an audio recording of this issue’s essay. Let me know what you think if I should continue this feature (its obviously a work in progress : ). Be well! Stephen
Photo by Nikola Johnny Mirkovic on Unsplash
It is often not strangers who hurt us, but it is those that we care about the most who can inflict the greatest amount of emotional pain. Perhaps they know our vulnerabilities. Maybe they understand what words or actions will sting us the most. Regardless of the cause, the emotions of disappointment, judgment, resentment, withholding, blame, anger and confusion are often left in the wake of such conflict.
A wonderful sermon that I had the joy to listen to on a recent Sunday service summed it up this way…”life can get lifey and that is always hard.” Experiencing conflict with those who we love and care about is difficult. In these moments, we begin to question “why” followed by the predictable “what"? Ego centric questions begin to pop into one’s mind, "Why is this happening to me?" "Why would someone want to hurt me so?” "What did I do to cause or deserve this?" "What am I meant to learn from this heartache?” It keeps you up at night. It distracts you during the day. You cannot escape the home-made movies that continue to re-run in your head. These movies show you reflections from the past, but often they can be the fabricated images of tomorrow painting a bleak picture of your worst fears of simply being alone. Even as you exert loving boundaries and find your own healthy space, the hurt still remains. You are no longer in the NOW. You are in the vortex of emotional suffering. The good news is that you are not alone, everyone of us experiences such difficult moments when dealing with others. It is a part of life and such suffering in life is inevitable as it intermixes with life’s more joyful moments.
But what should we do with that suffering when it crosses our path? Should we run and hide from it? Shut ourselves down from feeling such pain? React in equal anger and inflict upon others the same pain that they have inflicted upon us? Engage in a battle of intellect proving or disproving one’s position to be deemed the winner? The sobering fact is that there are no such winners in any such conflict. Everyone loses. Everyone’s gets covered with the toxic mud of judgment leaving more suffering to contend with and ultimately resolve. The damage has been inflicted and whatever repairs take place, the previous bonds will have been weakened, possibly irrevocably. It can be a heart wrenching example how fragile relationships can be.
Given such difficulty, realizing that there are things we shouldn’t do, what are the things we should do. While this list is not exhaustive, I have found them to be helpful in my own process of dealing with relationship hurt.
First and foremost, stay within yourself and minimize the impact and importance of any hurtful words or actions or judgments thrown at you by others. Remind yourself what the famed writer and philosopher, Don Miguel Ruiz, once said of the actions and opinions of others: “Whatever people think of you is really about the image they have of you, and that image isn’t you.”
Second, don’t run away from or try to suppress the sadness. Be open to what arises and acknowledge it. Don’t languish in it, but recognize it within yourself. Remind yourself that it is ok to be sad for life can be challenging. Sadness is part of the human experience. Authentically experiencing what you are feeling is important for it to move through you. Attempting to resist it will only make it worse like holding back water from a hose until the pressure gets too great to bear.
Third, realize that the person who hurt you has his or her own stories and have compassion for them. We all live with stories that we guide our lives with. Some of these stories provide us nourishment while other stories take away from our joy in life. Some of these stories control us without even our conscious awareness. If you unintentionally hurt someone with your speech or actions, acknowledge their hurt and have compassion for them but don’t assume it for yourself. It is up to them to resolve their own limiting stories. Lovingly support them, encourage them, but don’t take on their burden.
Fourth, bring yourself back to the present and stop ruminating about the past or worrying about the future. To do so, only takes away the inner peace that is only found in the present. Don’t give anyone such power over you in such a manner. Show your power through inner forgiveness while maintaining and expressing your own boundaries.
Finally, view such suffering as if you chose to experience it. Reframe it as a moment to learn and grow. Explore how you contributed to such conflict, if applicable, and apologize for any hurt you played a role in if given the moment to do so without any expectation in return. If love and forgiveness is returned, accept it, if not, accept such silence and choose to not receive their story of you. This difficulty is how you chose to grow, and unfortunately, growth and discomfort go hand in hand.
These five strategies will help but the passing of time will bring healing as well. So be patient, and continue to love those who hurt you for as with everything in life, impermanence applies to everything around you, and you never know when reconciliation will present itself. Until then, do your best to practice cultivating your own inner peace and live with grace. In the end, as with any type of difficult moment, what matters most is how you handle and respond to life when it inevitably gets “lifey.”
QUICK TAKES:
Having a friend go through a divorce is hard and often it is equally hard to know what support should really look like. In this New Yorker article, the author provides some good guidance especially offering more time than advice.
“When we broaden our worldview beyond a self-immersed world, we move from emotional reaction to action.” Words and our language we use as we engage in our inner dialogue matters. Zoom out from the emotional aspects of a situation with “you” or your name instead of “I” or “we.”
A recent study by researchers at Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health and Brigham and Women’s Hospital found that “spiritual community participation–as exemplified by religious service attendance – is associated with healthier lives, including greater longevity, less depression and suicide, and less substance use.spirituality.”
RECOMMENDATION:
I recently watched Michael Pollan’s Netflix series based on his best selling book “How to Change Your Mind.” As an advocate for psychedelics research and intentional and supervised use for mental health treatment (e.g. PTSD, depression, anxiety, addiction, end of life) and overall wholeness, I enjoyed the series as much as I had enjoyed my prior reading of his book. It is four “episodes” covering LSD, psilocybin, MDMA and mescaline. The best selling author treats the subject with scientific and historical discipline providing an overview of the past and current psychedelic renaissance in research and development and its future societal implications. I highly recommend it.
If you have any suggestions or comments, please let me know. As always, thank you for reading!